If you step away
A Marriage Across the Divide
One of you stopped believing. Neither of you signed up for this. It does not have to break your home.
The point in one sentence
Love did not choose to put your family’s togetherness after death on the line, but the Church’s teaching about eternal marriage does. The General Handbook says a believing spouse keeps their own promised blessings. What the teaching ties to a sealing both people keep is the couple’s forever together, so the pressure falls on the marriage and on hope. The couples who stay close are the ones who name that pressure out loud and decide together that the marriage comes first.
Two things are true at once
The teaching creates the strain. The Church’s own newer counsel, and the research, say how to carry it.
- Families are united forever through sacred ordinances and covenants in holy temples (the Family Proclamation).
- The highest degree of the celestial kingdom requires “the new and everlasting covenant of marriage” (D&C 131:2).
- The promise holds “if ye abide in my covenant” (D&C 132:19).
- So when one spouse stops believing, the other is taught that their own blessings are safe, but that being together forever is now uncertain.
- A marriage where both people are known, not managed.
- Agreements about children, Sundays, money and temple days, made calmly and in advance.
- Respect for each other’s choices, which the research below found in couples who described themselves as happily married.
- A home where neither parent is presented to the children as broken.
Sources: Family Proclamation (1995); D&C 131, 132; General Handbook 38.4.1.9; Hendricks et al., Family Process (2026). Suggestions in this column are the author’s, not findings.
The promise at the center
If you were raised in the Church, you learned this before you could spell it. Families can be together forever. You heard it in Primary, in seminary, and at temple weddings.
For a believing spouse, that is not a nice sentiment. It is the reason they married you, the reason they keep a temple recommend, and the picture they hold when the kids are driving them crazy. When you stop believing, you are not just changing your Sundays. In their framework, you are changing the shape of eternity.
This page is written mostly for you, the one who stopped believing, and partly for them. Neither of you did anything wrong by being honest. But both of you are carrying something the other cannot fully see.
What the Church teaches
These are the passages your believing spouse has in mind, whether or not they could quote them. They are in the scriptures and in the Church’s own statement on the family.
Doctrine and Covenants 131:2–4, in the Church’s current edition of the scriptures
And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it. He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.
The brackets are in the Church’s own text. “The highest” means the highest of the three degrees in the celestial kingdom, in the celestial glory. Marriage in the covenant is the door, the passage says.
D&C 131, on churchofjesuschrist.orgDoctrine and Covenants 132:19 (a long verse; the parts that matter here)
if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise … and if ye abide in my covenant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity
The verse names the marriage as sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise and says the promise holds “if ye abide in my covenant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood.” The ellipsis (…) marks words left out; the full verse is at the link.
D&C 132, on churchofjesuschrist.org“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, September 23, 1995
Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.
The same document says: “The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.” The plan is stated as families being united through temple covenants.
The Proclamation, on churchofjesuschrist.orgThe promise is conditional, and it was written for two people.
Which means that when one of you changes, the other is not only sad. They may be afraid of losing you, even though the Church says their own blessings stay.
It is not hell they are afraid of
You may have been taught, or assumed, that a Latter-day Saint who believes you have left is afraid you are going to hell. In the Church’s teaching, it is not that.
The Church’s scripture describes three kingdoms of glory. Even the lowest, the telestial, is called a glory “which surpasses all understanding” (D&C 76:89). The scripture’s own definition of a son of perdition, the category the revelation says suffers forever (D&C 76:31–33), is narrow: “all those who know my power, and have been made partakers thereof, and suffered themselves through the power of the devil to be overcome, and to deny the truth and defy my power.” The scripture reserves it for a narrow case.
What they may picture is being apart from you. So when you leave, what they fear is not where you are going. It is that you will not be there with them.
The joke is about condemnation. In a Latter-day Saint home, the fear is grief.
Knowing which one you are living with changes how you hear them. Many people in this spot are grieving, not judging.
What each of you is afraid of
- An eternity without you. In their framework this is not a metaphor.
- Raising the kids without the structure they were counting on.
- That the person they married is disappearing.
- That your questions will pull the children, or them, away.
- Losing them over something you cannot un-see.
- Feeling like every conversation is aimed at bringing you back.
- Becoming the villain in the ward’s version of the story.
- Your children picking up that you are on the outside.
Every one of those fears is reasonable from inside the story that produces it. Start there, with both lists true at once, and most of the arguments you could have become unnecessary.
What the Church’s own newer counsel says
You may be surprised how gently the Church’s leaders now speak about people who step away from the Church or who never joined it.
Elder Taniela B. Wakolo of the Seventy, “Come unto Christ, Together,” Sunday afternoon session, general conference
April 2026
What it establishes: Spoken to three groups: those from families not yet sealed, those who are not members, and members whose spouses are not of the faith. He adds: “The gospel of Jesus Christ is not a wedge to divide families but a bridge to unite them eternally.” The talk tells of a wife who “honored her covenants quietly and patiently, never pressuring” while her husband, “not yet a member,” joined later. It is about spouses who never joined, not about a spouse who left. It does not change D&C 131 and 132. It does show the Church asking members to be patient and not to pressure.
Read the talkPresident Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, “Come, Join with Us,” Saturday morning session
October 2013
What it establishes: He is talking about why members step away. The next lines say: “In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations. Some of our dear members struggle for years with the question whether they should separate themselves from the Church.” The talk goes on to say the Church respects “those who honestly search for truth” and to invite those who left to return.
Read the talkThe Church’s Gospel Topics page “Helping Others with Questions,” section “Respond with Love”
Page checked October 13, 2026
What it establishes: In the section “Trust in the Lord” the same page says: “When someone questions their beliefs, we should do what we can to help them, but we should also trust Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.”
Read the pageOne more place the believing world gives advice: LDS Living, a site published by Deseret Book, ran a February 2018 article on strengthening a marriage when a spouse leaves the Church. It recommends “the softened startup technique,” which it explains as starting “a difficult conversation gradually, without blame or interrogation.” (The article. It is not an official Church document.)
What research says about marriages like yours
There is little formal research on Latter-day Saint couples in particular, and this page does not invent any. What exists is broader, and it is useful.
Pew Research Center, “One-in-Five U.S. Adults Were Raised in Interfaith Homes”
October 26, 2016 (so “today” means 2016)
What it establishes: Pew counts a religious person married to someone with no religion in that quarter: about 9% of married adults are in marriages between two different religions and about 15% in marriages between a religious person and a non-affiliated person. The numbers are from 2016. Pew also reports that “most people who are in religiously mixed marriages today say it is uncommon for them to have religious disagreements with their spouse.” That is what people in these marriages reported, and it is about marriages that began mixed, not about a spouse who changed. The report is about marriages across religions in general. It does not single out couples who married in a temple under a promise of eternity.
Read the Pew reportHendricks, Dollahite, Marks, Hardy & Johnson, “The AFFIRM Model for Navigating Challenges in Continuously-Interfaith and Divergent-Interfaith Marriages,” Family Process
2026
What it establishes: A qualitative (interview-based) study of 30 interfaith couples (60 people) who described themselves as happily married, on average for 18.7 years, recruited on purpose for that reason. Five of the 30 were “divergent-interfaith” couples, who started with the same faith and later differed, which is your situation. Limits: it is small, it has no comparison group of couples who split, and the abstract does not say the couples were Latter-day Saints. It describes what happy couples said they did. It does not prove what will work for you.
Study abstract (Wiley, DOI 10.1111/famp.70196)The Gottman Institute, “The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling”
Current page, checked October 13, 2026
What it establishes: Gottman’s research on couples in general names four behaviors it considers corrosive: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Any couple can hit all four in one hard conversation, and a conversation about the Church can bring them out. Gottman also reports that in a six-year follow-up of newlyweds, “couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time” (Gottman, “Turn Towards Instead of Away”). That is about newlyweds in general, not faith.
Gottman InstituteTaken together, mixed-belief marriages can be calm. The one study here that asked happily married interfaith couples what they did points to a few habits: respect, support, and putting the marriage first. Only five of its thirty couples had changed faith after marrying. None of it says the difference is nothing. It suggests that what people did about it mattered.
A conversation plan
These steps are suggestions, not rules from a study. Step 2 borrows the “softened startup” idea from the LDS Living article above, and putting the marriage first echoes the AFFIRM finding. The rest is common sense. Offer this page to your spouse; do not hand it over.
The hard moments, one by one
| The hard moment | What tends to help | Source |
|---|---|---|
| A child turns eight and the baptism question comes up | Talk months before the birthday, not the week of. Agree what each of you will say to the child, and whether the non-believing parent attends. The believing parent is not wrong to want it. The other is not wrong to feel uneasy. | The scripture the believing parent has in mind: children are baptized “when eight years old” (D&C 68:27), and parents who do not teach their children these things, “the sin be upon the heads of the parents” (D&C 68:25). That is why the date feels heavy to them, and they are not trying to control you. The General Handbook (38.2.8.2) asks for the permission of a child’s parents or legal guardians before baptism, so this is a decision the two of you share. |
| Sunday morning | Decide who takes the kids and who does not, and say it is a choice, not a test. Support each other’s practices. | AFFIRM (a), (d). A practical suggestion. |
| A temple event you no longer have a recommend to attend | Say it early and kindly. Ask what is the part that matters most to them, and find another way to be present for that part, such as the lunch or the photos outside. | The General Handbook (27.3.4) says accountable members who attend a sealing must be endowed and hold a current temple recommend, with limited exceptions the stake president can authorize for some non-endowed family members. So waiting outside is the Church’s rule, not a slight. The rest is a practical suggestion. |
| Tithing and money | Agree on a line in the budget, and agree it is not up for debate every month. The believing spouse’s giving is part of their faith, even if you disagree with it. | AFFIRM (d): respecting each other’s religious choices. A practical suggestion. |
| Garments and other private practices | Treat these as the believing spouse’s decisions, and not as comments on you. No jokes, no sighs. | AFFIRM (d). A practical suggestion. |
| A fight about the Church turns ugly | Stop. Say “I do not want to say something I cannot take back. Can we pick this up tomorrow?” Then actually pick it up. | Gottman Institute on contempt and stonewalling. |
| The ward, the bishop, a visitor from church | Tell your spouse in advance how you want to be treated, and tell the visitor yourself, kindly and briefly. | Gospel Topics, “Look for ways to show compassion and kindness” (Helping Others with Questions). |
What is true on the other side
(This part is for the believing spouse.) You are not the villain, and nothing here says you are. You did what you were taught and what you promised. If anyone had told you at the temple altar that one day the person across the kitchen table would no longer believe the promise you were making, you would not have signed up for it either. Neither would they.
The Church’s own Handbook tells you that your own blessings stay if you stay faithful. That is a real comfort the teaching offers, and it is yours to hold. Some believing spouses also hold on to the hope that God sees the whole story. The one who stopped believing does not have to share that hope. They can honor it.
The common rebuttals
“The Church just teaches that families can be together forever. That is a hope, not a pressure.”
It is a hope, and a beautiful one. But the verse that gives the hope also attaches a condition: “if ye abide in my covenant” (D&C 132:19). A hope with a condition is what makes a person afraid when the condition seems to be slipping. Elder Wakolo’s own talk says the gospel is “a bridge to unite” families “eternally,” which shows how much of the hope rests on the eternal part.
“Plenty of mixed-faith couples make it work, so the doctrine can’t be the problem.”
They do, and that is the good news on this page. The research above says marriages with different beliefs can be calm and happy. But Pew’s numbers cover marriages across religions in general. They do not single out couples who knelt at an altar and were promised eternity if both of them stayed. The AFFIRM study did include five couples who started together and later differed. It describes happy couples who respected each other’s choices and put the marriage first. That is a way of living with the pressure, not proof that the pressure was never there.
“I do not understand how you can walk away from what we built.”
If the believing spouse is the one saying this, it helps to remember that the person across the table may have prayed more nights than they know. If you are the one hearing it, you can answer without anger: “I did not stop because I stopped loving you. I am not asking you to leave either.” For more on how people change their minds, and why neither of you can force it, see Why Smart People Keep Believing and How We Know Things.
Where to find support
- A licensed marriage and family therapist. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy runs a public directory at TherapistLocator.net. The Gottman Institute keeps a free directory of therapists trained in its method at the Gottman Referral Network. Ask whether they have worked with couples where one spouse has left a high-demand faith. Neither directory is specific to Latter-day Saints.
- Stories from other people. Mormon Stories is a podcast with an archive of episodes under a Marriage and Family category. It has episodes about families going through a faith change. It is not a mixed-faith marriage program.
- If the question of formally leaving is on the table, see If You Decide to Resign. You never have to. It is a separate decision from the marriage. The General Handbook (38.4.1.11) says that if one spouse resigns, that person’s temple blessings are withdrawn, while “the personal blessings of the sealing ordinance for the person’s spouse and children remain in effect if they remain faithful.”
You married a person, not a conclusion.
The couples who do well are the ones where both people keep choosing the person over the argument, every time it comes up, for as long as it takes to stop coming up.
What this means
In short, the Church’s own scripture ties the family’s eternity to a sealed marriage and to abiding in a covenant. The Family Proclamation says families are united eternally through temple ordinances. The Handbook says a believing spouse keeps their own promised blessings, but being together forever is taught as depending on a sealing both people keep. A believing spouse who hears that and then watches the person they sealed themselves to stop believing is not being dramatic. They are afraid of something real inside the framework they were given. And the Church’s own newer voices, from Elder Wakolo to President Uchtdorf to the Church’s own page on helping those with questions, ask members to treat people who step away, or who never joined, with patience and kindness rather than pressure.
The research, thin as it is for Latter-day Saint couples, points the same direction. In the one study here, happily married interfaith couples said they supported each other, respected each other’s choices, and made the marriage first. Gottman’s research on couples in general names contempt and stonewalling among the behaviors that wear couples down.
A doctrine that ties your family’s forever to what both of you believe puts a pressure on love that love did not choose.
My wife and I left the Church together. If you are living it the other way, the choice in front of you is not between the Church and your marriage. It is whether the two of you will sit at the table and say the true thing gently, and keep doing it.